I haven't written since September.
And to be honest, I barely remember writing in September.
Tonight, I am feeling very inspired. Inspired by myself. This might be very narcissistic, or it could be the purest form of inspiration possible. Either way, I felt compelled to fire up the old blog again.
I read my post in September (the most recent one...scroll down) and felt very proud of my own wisdom. I don't believe at the time I felt superior to that wisdom though. I know that I wasn't really writing that to the "new teacher Maddie," I was writing that to the current Maddie. It was a reaffirmation of what I know and what I constantly need to remind myself in order to keep on doing what I am doing every day.
I fear lately that I have lost my purpose in my job. I have become bogged down by the politics...the drama...the everyday nuances and pet peeves that force me to become a crabby, unforgiving, non-respecting teacher. I have begun to see my students as a names on a roster I have to "check off" then send in to the attendance lady. Nothing more. Nothing less.
It could be because this is March. It is one of the most difficult times to trudge on as a teacher. Students are comfortable with you so they are whiney and teachers have cabin fever so they are fussy. I begin my day in the darkness of a pre-sunrise morning. I teach in four walls of hard, cement, windowless brick. I end my day in the post-sunset emptiness of the night. It's a dark existence. Seeing sunshine is an energizing experience, albeit a very rare one. My point being...it is very easy to become depressed and hopeless.
Perhaps I wasn't even feeling depressed, though, until I realized how positive and optimistic I used to be about teaching. This was not very long ago. At one time the power of putting a book into a child's hand and changing their lives was enough to keep me waking up every day. The thrill of seeing a student's face light up when they contributed something meaningful and thoughtful to a conversation was enough to keep me going. I want to go back there; no, I need to go back there. I need to remember what it is that I love about teaching and what inspires me to do what I love.
So this is a cheers to my spring break, and a promise to myself that I will rediscover the beauty and wonderment of my job. Because I do love it. It is an amazingly rewarding profession. It is something I want to dedicate myself to for the rest of my life. And I am absolutely sure of that.
